


How to Seduce Superman in 46 Minutes and 38 Seconds

by Kantayra



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-13
Updated: 2006-11-13
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex - evil, drunk, and horny - is e-mailing Clark at 1AM. Clark tries to resist. Obviously, this effort is doomed to failure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Seduce Superman in 46 Minutes and 38 Seconds

**Author's Note:**

> I informed txtequilanights, upon sending her this story, that it was either amusing or the lamest, most annoying thing ever. She voted for the former. If you vote for the latter, my profound apologies. What can I say? *shrug* It's definitely crack!fic. I'd also thank Rach for the beta'ing but, since this story is pretty much unbetable (you'll see what I mean), she got off the hook this time. :P

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: I hate you. Wanna fuck?  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:17:04 AM

Hey Clrak Kent/Kal-EL/Superman/ASSHOLE! You think youre so hot jsut because you blw up my genenetics lab? JOKES ON YOU! you juts got the BIOENGiNNERING LAB not the ALEIN CLONING LAB! THat’s becuase you SUCK! I totally have kruptonit lasers pointed at yoru apartmemt RIGHT NOW cux i’m waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay smrater then you. I"M GONNA DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE SUPREMAN!!! and you know all thoes supermn shirts? I’m gonna blow up teh fatcory and then eveyroen will wear LEXCORP SHIRTS! Cuz you’ll be DEAD. and no oen will even misss your ass

except me cuase your ass is HOT! Remember that one tiem we went swimmimg and yoru trunks came off and you blushde ALL OVER? and lanana truned aawy becuase shes STUPID? but I didn’t. well, I TOTALLY DID THAT ON PRUPOSE NAD YOU NEVER KNWW! but anyway yoru ass was really hot and tihgt and I stil get hard when i think abour it

we shuold totally fcuk

Up yours (just liek old times),

Lex

P.S. Superman is a stupid naem!!

\---

Lex Luthor  
CEO & President, LexCorp International  
LexCorp Towers  
135 W. LexCorp Plaza Off. #3205  
Metropolis, KS 66632-4023  
AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
W #: (620) 555-8452, ext. 1016  
C #: (620) 555-2882

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: I hate you. Wanna fuck?  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:22:57 AM

lex? wtf? just how drunk ARE you? i mean, you DO realize that you just admitted in an email sent to the DAILY PLANET’S SERVER that you have illegal alien cloning labs, right? and i didn’t care WHICH lab i destroyed just that, y’know, YOU WERE INSERTING MIND-CONTROL NODES INTO CAPTIAN MARVEL’S SKULL THERE! yeesh, how can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time? you want a word of friendly advice: get some sleep and keep the advil handy for the MASSIVE hangover you’re going to have in the morning

re: the swim trunks incident. i TOTALLY knew you were the one who pantsed me. honestly, it was either you, lana, or chloe. and who on that list is the big pervert? i just didn’t say anything because i didn’t want to traumatize lana, unlike SOME PEOPLE.

and, no, we’re not fucking. we're enemies now. deal with it

clark

ps: lois came up with superman, not me!

\---

Clark Kent  
Staff Reporter, Daily Planet  
Daily Planet  
21 S. 5th Street  
Metropolis, KS 66632-4022  
CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
W #: (620) 555-1128, ext. 2217  
C #: (620) 555-9921

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: RE: I hate you. Wanna fuck?  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:25:39 AM

HA! WRONG AGAIN! I can admir to antyhing i want becuase you cant show it to anyoen or else tehy'll knwo youre supreman! OUTSMRATTED YOU AGAIN, KALEL!!

Of course, knwoing those mororons you hang out wiht, they probly wuoldn’t even NOTICE! “HI MY NAME IS CLRAK KENT AND EVEN THOUHG I LOOK EXCATLY LIKE SUPREMAN I"M NOT BECAUSE IM WERAING GLASSESS!” idiots

and captian marvels a total weiner superhero anyway so I don’t even know why you’d CARE about the neural implants, unless you SUCK! which you totally do. they should call you SUCKERMAN and then youd be stuck being AQUAMAN’s siedkick becuase you suck THAT MUCH!

And you shuold totaly come suck me NOW. its not liek the enemies thnig stoppped you the last 5 times

Lexx

P.S. SEE? LOIS IS STUPID! THERES PROOF RIGHT THERE!

\---

Lex Luthor  
CEO & President, LexCorp International  
LexCorp Towers  
135 W. LexCorp Plaza Off. #3205  
Metropolis, KS 66632-4023  
AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
W #: (620) 555-8452, ext. 1016  
C #: (620) 555-2882

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: I hate you. Wanna fuck?  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:29:13 AM

jeez, lex, can you go to bed and leave me alone already? the only reason i'm even IN the office is that i've got copy due TOMORROW. i don’t have time to listen to your drunk whining!

and i told you last time: IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! it's OVER! can you get that through that ‘genius’ brain of yours already?

clark

ps: lois is NOT stupid! you’re just jealous because i'd rather fuck her than you

\---

Clark Kent  
Staff Reporter, Daily Planet  
Daily Planet  
21 S. 5th Street  
Metropolis, KS 66632-4022  
CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
W #: (620) 555-1128, ext. 2217  
C #: (620) 555-9921

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you. Wanna fuck?  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:31:00 AM

> ps: lois is NOT stupid! you’re just jealous because i'd rather fuck her than you

She is! And youre even STUPIDER! becuase i’m waaaaaaaaaaaaaay hotter than lois!

P.S. I’m naked RIGHT NOWW, DUMBASS!

\---

Lex Luthor  
CEO & President, LexCorp International  
LexCorp Towers  
135 W. LexCorp Plaza Off. #3205  
Metropolis, KS 66632-4023  
AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
W #: (620) 555-8452, ext. 1016  
C #: (620) 555-2882

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: LEAVE ME ALONE!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:33:48 AM

what part of LEAVE ME ALONE don’t you understnad?! its not my fault you’re evil and drunk and can’t get laid. if you don’t knock it off, i'm going to call mercy and then she’ll SHOVE SLEEPING PILLS RIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT! now GO AWAY!

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:36:25 AM

I can sooooooo get laid. I’m going to get laid tonihgt. By you. and if you dont hurry up i've got a KRUPTONITE DILDO WITH YOUR NAEM ON IT!

> now GO AWAY!

Make me.

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:37:42 AM

>> now GO AWAY!  
>  
>Make me.

real mature, lex

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:38:39 AM

>>> now GO AWAY!  
>>  
>>Make me.  
>  
>real mature, lex

No, YOURE MATURE!

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:39:05 AM

>>>> now GO AWAY!  
>>>  
>>>Make me.  
>>  
>>real mature, lex  
>  
>No, YOURE MATURE!

that doesn’t even make any sense!

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:39:58 AM

>>>>> now GO AWAY!  
>>>>  
>>>>Make me.  
>>>  
>>>real mature, lex  
>>  
>>No, YOURE MATURE!  
>  
>that doesn’t even make any sense!

No, YOU dont make any sesne!

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:40:51 AM

  
>>>>>> now GO AWAY!  
>>>>>  
>>>>>Make me.  
>>>>  
>>>>real mature, lex  
>>>  
>>>No, YOURE MATURE!  
>>  
>>that doesn’t even make any sense!  
>  
>No, YOU dont make any sesne!

will you stop cluttering my inbox already? and, for the love of god, STOP ATTACHING ALL OUR PREVIOUS EMAILS!

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:42:11 AM

  
>>>>>>> now GO AWAY!  
>>>>>>  
>>>>>>Make me.  
>>>>>  
>>>>>real mature, lex  
>>>>  
>>>>No, YOURE MATURE!  
>>>  
>>>that doesn’t even make any sense!  
>>  
>>No, YOU dont make any sesne!  
>  
>will you stop cluttering my inbox already? and, for the love of god, STOP  
>ATTACHING ALL OUR PREVIOUS EMAILS!

I will when you will!

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:43:02 AM

fine.

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUPERMAN = SUCKERMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:43:56 AM

>fine.

Haha! I WIN AGAIN!

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: LEX LUTHOR HAS NO LIFE!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:45:16 AM

i swear to god, you’re the most annoying archnemesis in the universe. i'll bet BATMAN doesn’t have to put up with shit like this!

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: SUPERMAN TAKES IT UP THE ASS!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:47:59 AM

>i swear to god, you’re the most annoying archnemesis in the universe.

the hottest too

>i'll bet BATMAN doesn’t have to put up with shit like this!

batman is a PUSSY! and he fucks pussy too! (get it? catwoman?)

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: LEX LUTHOR CANT GET ANY!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:49:51 AM

>batman is a PUSSY! and he fucks pussy too! (get it? catwoman?)

you are SUCH a dork…

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: SUPERMAN SUCKS! EVEN BETTER THAN BATMAN!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:51:07 AM

Are you gonna come over here and suck my dick or not?

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: LEX LUTHOR HAS TO BEG FOR SEX!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:52:32 AM

for the last time, NO!

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: SUPERMAN IS A EUNUCH!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:53:54 AM

why not?

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: LEX LUTHOR IS A PERVERT!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:55:01 AM

because i'm working, dumbass

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: RE: LEX LUTHOR IS A PERVERT!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 01:59:47 AM

Are you done yet?

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: RE: LEX LUTHOR IS A PERVERT!!!  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 02:01:37 AM

NO!!! haven’t you gone away yet?

***

To: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
From: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
Subject: It’ll only taek you 5 seconds to fly over, mooron  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 02:02:51 AM

I’ll let YOU fcuk ME!

***

To: AJLuthor@LexCorp.com  
From: CJKent@DailyPlanet.com  
Subject: RE: It’ll only taek you 5 seconds to fly over, mooron  
Date: 04-29-2011 CST 02:01:37 AM

> I’ll let YOU fcuk ME!

…

…

really?

***

  


  


  


***

The final ‘S’ was doomed never to be written as Lex, naked as promised, was swept out of his desk chair and onto the bed in a flurry of frantic, frenzied superhero.

Clark’s article, alas, was delayed until the 31st.

  
THE END.


End file.
